


I don't know how to say I'm sorry

by RainbowsandSparkles



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Broken Up, I'm feeling a lot of feelings right now, I've tagged their relationship but I need you to know they are broken up, Kevin is a Good Friend, M/M, andrew is sad, do not read this if you want fluff, i deal with it by writing about it through aftg characters, probably something i should tell my therapist, there is no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 04:34:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30049974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowsandSparkles/pseuds/RainbowsandSparkles
Summary: pure angst of just Andrew being sad because he broke up with Neil.i have not much else to say but if you want sadness maybe give this a read
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	I don't know how to say I'm sorry

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that this will be character divergent (because Andrew doesn't really cry) but I needed to write this because it was very cathartic so hopefully no one will mind too much.  
> I don't think there's anything to warn for but there is mentions of like struggling to eat and also lowkey depression so proceed with caution if that is an issue.  
> stay safe kids and i hope everyone is doing okay <3
> 
> also i have an essay due in in 3 days and instead of writing it i wrote this.

If Andrew had known he was only one frozen chicken away from a breakdown, he would have simply chosen not to wake up.

Hindsight always was a bitch. Because here he was awake a whole hour before his alarm was meant to go off sobbing over chicken. Well, it wasn’t really chicken but that had been the final push over. Really, he was crying over the fact that he’d broken up with Neil days before and didn’t know what to do and the chicken was that spilt milk that made it all bubble over.

Neil was gone. He wasn’t texting him, he only knew where he was because Matt had texted him, he didn’t know what he was thinking, he didn’t know if he’d gone on his usual morning run or if he, like Andrew, was too depressed to do anything. He didn’t know and he hated it. And he wanted him which made him hate himself.

And the fucking chicken was in the freezer and he needed to get it out so he could eat tonight because he had nothing else in and the thought of ordering made him sick and the thought of not eating made him disappointed because he did this to himself. But he can’t move. He can’t get out of bed, he can’t turn on the light, he can’t eat the fucking breakfast bar that’s on the side of his fucking desk already open from yesterday’s poor attempt at nutrition, and the chicken was in the fucking freezer.

He wanted Neil. He wanted him so badly it hurt. All of it hurt and it was all his fault. He had no leg to stand on, he had no right to mourn the loss of something he buried and yet he did.

They had so many plans together; he had so many plans with him. He was going to marry him. And yet-

Something dark akin to shame twisted in his stomach.

Neil knew what to do when he was like this- he knew when to calm him down, he knew when to distract him, he knew when to leave him alone- and it wasn’t fucking fair because he couldn’t message him because he had no right to because he hurt Neil and what would it even say?

_Hey, I know I’m the problem I know I caused all this, and I know I’ve made you feel like shit and I have absolutely no right to reach out to you, but I can’t move and I need you._

_Oh, and how was your day because I’d do anything to hear how you are._

He had to deal with his shitty emotions himself. Or call Kevin.

He called Kevin.

He picked up right when Andrew was thinking he wouldn’t, and he really would be alone to deal with his own problems.

“Yeah?” Kevin’s voice was gruff on the other end even though Andrew knew he’d already been awake for at least 5 hours.

He might have replied but to be honest he can’t be sure but the next thing he knew Kevin was talking about something, probably Exy but he couldn’t really make out the words, and he was breathing. Or trying to. Or succeeding to but feeling like he wasn’t.

He was fine, he would get through this, he would be fine, Neil will be fine, maybe they’ll be fine, but he couldn’t move. And the chicken was in the freezer and the longer he waited the bigger the task felt because he had to move and walk to the kitchen and get it out the freezer and then walk back and do all the things he needed to do today and eat and probably shower and then prepare the food and cook the food and wash up and then go back to bed and do it all again tomorrow and he couldn’t. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t.

_I can’t move. I can’t move. I can-_

“Hey, do you wanna get out of bed and have some breakfast? Take me with you as you do it?”

And he wanted to, he needed to, Kevin would be here with him and he could do it, he could but-

“I can’t move.” It came out like a whisper.

“Yes, you can come on, let’s get some food.”

“I can’t. I can’t.” And then he was sobbing down the end of the phone to _Kevin_ and he was only partially aware of how embarrassed he would be later when he came to. “I want to go home.” Even though this was technically more his home than Betsy’s was and even though that was technically closer to Neil he couldn’t be here anymore. Everything reminded him of him: his toothbrush left on the side for days he wanted to stay over, his hoodies he’d slowly stolen over the past few years which he now realised he would need to return at some point, but he wasn’t ready, all the books they’d read together over the years and all the books he was waiting for Neil to borrow.

He needed home. He needed Betsy. 

“Okay, text Betsy and pack. I’ll come see you when you get home.” Still Kevin stayed on the line and Andrew hated himself a little more at how relieved he was.

It was like a spell had broken. He texted Betsy and managed to drag himself out of bed and start packing before he’d even got a reply. Now the idea was there, he had to get out of here and if Betsy didn’t want him then he could always go to Kevin’s or to Aaron’s or just sleep in his car just somewhere not here.

Most of his clothes were dirty washing he hadn’t had the energy to wash for weeks and the rest he shoved without care into his suitcase. It would be a miracle if he forgot nothing. But he didn’t care, he needed to get out of here and nothing really mattered that much anyway. He could tell his breathing was becoming even more erratic but oddly he felt like he could breathe slightly better.

There was so much he needed to tell Neil- so much he was annoyed he didn’t say- so much he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to say. _It was never you._ All along, it could never be him. He’s perfect. Far more perfect than Andrew ever admitted and now wished he had every single day. Every single day so at least maybe now he could know that at least at some point Neil knew. But he wasn’t sure he ever did. He’s not sure Neil really knows. And it kills him. Even if this had to end, he never wants Neil to feel as though he wasn’t good enough- he never wants there to be a sliver of a doubt in his head that maybe this was his fault because it could never be. Not in a million years it could never be him.

Neil made him feel safe and whole and he’s not sure he ever knew that. And he doesn’t know if Neil will ever stand to be around him again to be able to hear it from him- even if it’s the last thing Andrew gets to say to him. He’s not sure Neil will ever forgive him (he’s not sure he’ll ever forgive himself).

And he doesn’t know how to say sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading hope yall enjoyed that mini thing.


End file.
